This morning I woke up before dawn and laid in bed noticing the quiet and stillness of the morning. The air felt cool and when I looked out the window, I discovered everything was covered with a thick blanket of freshly fallen snow.
It felt like a good morning to be indulgent, so I went back to bed. As I lay there thinking and reflecting I realized it FELT TRULY GOOD to be me. Like I'm living my dream life. Not because everything in my world is perfect. But because I love myself and the imperfectly MINE life I’ve created.
AND I'M NOT SETTLING.
I'm alone and that was never my intention, and I don't like being cold and snow doesn't thrill me, and I'd much rather be hanging out on a warm beach somewhere, BUT THIS is my day! It's the day that's in front of me and I can strongly feel how absolutely perfectly wonderful it is! And even how beautiful it is! How absolutely beautiful and perfect my life is! And how much I love being me, even in a very cold and pristine moment with no one special to share it with!
THIS LIFE I'M LIVING FEELS GOOD, BECAUSE I CHOSE IT.
I DIDN'T GET IT BY SETTLING.
In my past I was a settler and I often settled for things I didn’t want because I didn’t believe I could have what I really wanted.
It's accurate to say I didn’t believe in myself enough to even give myself permission to want anything special because I didn’t think I could have it. That’s why I settled. Jobs, marriages, food, clothes, how I spent my time. . . I settled for what was in front of me and easiest, over and over and over again.
I gave my power away because I didn’t believe I was powerful. As a result my life often felt depressing and miserable, and I felt like a train wreck and epic failure. For me there was little joy to be found in settling.
But you only fail when you fail to learn the lesson, and I finally figured it out.
It was a turning point when I got (inside out) that the only one stopping me from playing full out and creating an amazing life, was me.
I started dreaming (how BIG can you dream sort of dreaming) and going for it. Moving in the direction of what I wanted and not worrying about what other people thought about me and slowly but surely, my life started changing.
I fell on my face a lot, and I also learned from my falls and got better at staying on my feet. Better at holding my own in a world that will readily discourage you and pull you back down if you let it.
Honestly, since I started going for my dreams I’ve experienced everything from exciting and fulfilling highs to bottom of the barrel lows, and it’s all been good because it's challenged and shaped me and helped me grow.
In the midst of thrills, disappointments and pain I’ve held my own.
Even though I’ve fallen down and been derailed more than once, I've stayed true to me and (mostly) found joy in the journey. And I've stayed on my path. Many of my dreams have come true, some big ones are still waiting to be realized, and I’m right here on track with them all steadily moving forward. I'm not a quitter and I like that about myself. A lot.
This morning I realized why I'm so satisfied. I have a strong vision of what I want and I've held to that. I haven't settled for less.
Even when it meant letting go and living in the void, I've held firm to the picture in my mind of what I want my life to be like. And I've believed that I can create it and have it. I’ve been willing to work for it and wait until it comes to fruition. Instead of settling and trying to fill the gap. Like I used to.
The life I'm living is the fruit of what I dreamed up years ago. Big Whoop.
And I still have more big dreams in the hopper. Many awesome things have yet to unfold and manifest. YAY!
I'm a dreamer, yes, and a perfectly imperfect work in progress and it's ok. My life is continually evolving and unfolding in both expected and unexpected ways. Sometimes it's good and amazing and sometimes I’m like “hey, this isn’t supposed to happen, it’s not what I wanted…!”
I keep my chin up and I roll with it all. I make the most of whatever I've got, and I keep going. I don't settle.
I keep my focus on what I want. And when I don't get it, I don't settle. I patiently wait, and expect that what I want is around the corner.
I'm never going to settle for less again. Not ever. Because my settle button is permanently broken.
I can feel that deep down in my soul, and it makes me happy. My life gets better and better all the time because I don't settle. Whoop!